We’ve been settling in well, or at least I have. Not so sure about Miranda. She’s been spending huge amounts of time with her parents–she hasn’t been here since Friday afternoon except just for a few minutes because she’s been at their house. I think she’s liking it here though, her mom’s the one having so much trouble letting her go. We went to do a bit of mobility a couple weeks ago and she was so nervous, she kept being like, ‘I really don’t know how you’re going to do this … this is so hard … it’s so busy’. Lol. But anyway, it feels like home now, I’m supposed to house-sit for my parents while they’re on vacation, starting Thursday, and I actually think I’ll miss it. We still haven’t started our cooking adventure because everyone’s been too busy and we’d burn the entire place down if we tried it on our own, but I’m still bothering my mom about it and being generally annoying so hopefully it’ll come soon, we’ll see.

I had to go and be fitted for a dress for my sister’s wedding, that was annoying. It only took five minutes or so (size 2, if you’re intrested), but dresses are so uncomfortable to me and this one … has no straps or anything. Ugh. Plus it’s all long and traily and I’m afraid I’ll step on it or something, I’m sure I will. And I have to walk down the aisle with some guy I’ve never even met (that makes it sound like I’m in an arranged marriage) so yeah, awkward. I’m not a fan. But, I got to pick out all the music … well, I got a bunch of songs together and then my sister picked the ones she wanted. Jack Johnson and The Beatles and MRAZZZ (not one of his better songs, but oh well), others I can’t remember right now. And she wants me to find her a ‘jazzy’ version of the wedding march, which I haven’t had much luck with so far but I’m amused by the request. She wants it to be ‘fun’. Haha. She’s like, anti-tradition in all things, it kind of annoys my mom. Which is probably a lot of the reason why she’s doing it. And while we were there for my dress, my mom bought this cake topper that’s just a B, for Brown, and it cost $50. That’s ridiculous. I died a little.

Umm. I’ve been doing a lot of socializing, way too much if you ask me. Which no one has, lol. Miranda and I went to the movies with Whitney and Robbie (from Bible study), we saw “Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian”. It was adorable. And then we went to Braums and Robbie was super amazed that we could put straws in cups by ourselves and that I could text. We also went to the water park, Miranda and her mom and I, but I never went fully in the water because it was completely freezing and I’m lame. We floated around on the Lazy River for ages and listened to mostly decent music and bumped into lots of people, and also swam around in the shallow part of the pool with all these kids around us. They kept screaming really loudly right behind us and it was scary lol. And we had a conversation about how it would be nice to have kids of our own and introduce them to Disney and buy them Flinstone vitamins (I want to know if they still have those), and teach them things and save them from the horrors of Sponge-Bob and Fairly Odd Parents. That conversation was more than scary, it was terrifying. And ridiculous, because Miranda’s depressed by the thought of marriage and I’m horrified by the thought of kids. Umm umm. Chelsea came to our apartment the week before last and that was amusing times, she played Hide and Seek with Miranda and was very unfair, sitting out in the open and winning anyway because Miranda couldn’t see her. Haha. So finally I led Miranda to her because she was just wandering around and around looking in random places like the little space where our washer and dryer are. Chelsea couldn’t even fit there. I also got recordings of Chelsea even though she kept trying to press buttons to stop it, I have her laughing (which is definitely worth recording) and singing and then totally boring parts of us just talking an sounding dead and blah because we were tired. And I’ve been going to Bible study and Wednesday night church and today we went to visit my stepdad’s parents whom I love so much, which was a good visit even though I didn’t see enough of my grandpa John, and then we went to IHOP because it was Father’s Day. I had French toast and scrambled eggs and bacon, and I feel hungry again now. Ridiculous.

Sooooo yeah, I’m exhausted. It’s been a really fun month in its way, when you don’t factor in all the horrible shattering stuff I’m not putting here, but being around so many people so often is draining to me. This weekend was my recharging time, I spent most of it reading Joe Hill, which, although it’s not really scary, made me feel very jumpy and in need of company at about midnight on Friday. Lol I’m ridiculous. I also watched “High School Musical” and “High School Musical 2″ last night and they were both horrible, none of those kids can sing very well. But I watched it all anyway, so I’m pretty sure someone should send me a life, ASAP. My stepdad saw this toolbox at Low’s that he’s been salivating over ever since, it’s got speakers and a stereo and refrigerator attached. How stupid is that, haha. My sister asked him what he would even do with it and he said he would show everyone how he has a toolbox with a stereo and fridge. So lame. But it was insanely expensive and they’re doing a lot of house remodeling and taking their vacation, so fail for him. Anyway this has been quite the month for finding out real friends / throwing away not-meant-to-last ones (I don’t call them fake because I think they were real in their time, just not anymore), so I love you all, really. Also I’ve been so bored and frustrated with life, I don’t know exactly why but I really just feel like I should be doing something I’m not doing. I think possibly I can find it, whatever it is, with Eric and this lovely group of people, I guess we’ll see. It’s driving me crazy.

I hate these posts that are just like, ‘this is what I did today, and this is what I ate, and this is what I wore …’ but really, that’s all I can write right now. I’m so tired. I’ve been staying up too late for no real reason and then sleeping the mornings away, I don’t like it. Mornings are the best time to be awake, and breakfast is amazing. My parents made Father’s Day plans this weekend and then canceled them all at the last minute, so I missed out on river canoeing and the very first Lifechurch day, but hopefully there will be more of both very soon, and also the previously mentioned house-sitting and whatever’s up for the Fourth of July. Parents will still be gone so I’ll probably be with Miranda and her family with grilling and fireworks. Busy times. I swear I intend to update this thing more often, but I update LJ all the time and it just seems like so much now, even though here I write about my day to day life and there I don’t. Sleep now. Next update whenever, probably next month or something.

—

Wow it’s been a long time since I wrote here last, I keep thinking of it and opening the page and then just sitting here, wondering what to say. There’s either too much or too little and this is the problem with public blogging and never knowing exactly who’s reading, I don’t know what to say and what to keep back. Anyway. I’m going to update now.

School is over which is a blessing and a relief and now it’s summer summer summer, books and sunshine and more free time than I really know what to do with. I keep wavering back and forth between ‘enroll for next semester’ and ‘professional bum doesn’t sound that bad’, but I’ll probably be going back again because onestly what else am I going to do? I’m not sure why I’m bothering when all I want is a simple little day job so I can go home in the evenings and do what I really want to do, write and read and bake and run and live the way it’s meant to be done (haha what a nice rhyme). But that little piece of paper counts for a lot, more than it should so I’m going to get it and then I’m going to tell all the kids I meet not to bother. Yes I’m serious. Keep your kids away from me .

And in much more cheerful news, Miranda and I have finally moved into our own apartment. It’s a wonderful open sunny second-floor apartment and we have a round marble-topped table and lots of kitchen odds and ends and furniture from Miranda’s den. Cable and Internet are being turned on tomorrow (right now I’m stealing someone else’s) and my sister and her fiance are five steps away. I think the police car comforts Miranda’s mom, but she still checked for burglary when they came back after being out yesterday. Haha. There’s a fireplace and we each have our own bathroom and plenty of space in between our bedrooms for privacy’s sake and it’s just really nice. All this for only $485 a month, plus electric and cable. I’ll miss my hammock and my porch swing and my cat and grass to lie in but I’ll get over it, it’s time for this. Our families have been beyond wonderful, spending so much time helping us pack and move and unpack, giving us their furniture and buying us things (my stepdad bought us a washer and dryer and they’re really nice) and it’s already starting to feel a little bit like home. Next step: beginning The Great Cooking Adventure. Our kitchen appliances are pretty nice too, we have a dishwasher and an icemaker and a garbage disposal and things. Aaand I get to decorate, I want to buy the entire Earthbound store and bring it here but since I don’t have the money for that, I’ll settle for some oils and windchimes and beads and bamboo things. My sister’s actually the one who’s going to pick things out so we’ll se how it turns out, she’s pretty good at decorating. And also pretty good at eting our food even though they make more money than we do. Go figure.

That’s pretty much all that’s been happening, I’ve been working on “Beautiful Beasts” and fanfic (yesI’m a nerd, I finally admit this) and reading a lot, three Stephen Kings in one week, sad sad. And also making business calls terrifies me, I had to be the one to call and turn the electric on because OGNE are freakish about identity theft and ask all sorts of questions to make sure you are who you say you are and it made me very twitchy. I gave them one wrong digit on my social security number and by the time I figured out why it sounded wrong the lady had already switched to another screen, haha I nearly had a heart attack. Because then she was like, ‘I’m going to ask you some questions that only you would know’ and started asking me this weird stuff and I was like, oh no what if I give her the wrong answers because it’s someone else’s social security number and she thinks I’m an identity thief. Lol. And I either misheard or misremembered what I was told about the deposit needed because I said totally the wrong thing and was very confused and it was generally horrible. So yeah, I should never be allowed to do that. Ever. But I did manage to get the electric turned on so I guess it was a success in the end.

I need sleep. I don’t think I’ve quite caught up yet, waking up at 6:30 every morning for a week because of the wildlife convention in our attic was not fun and now that I can enjoy nights of blissful [mostly] uninterrupted sleep and wake up when I want to, I’ve been staying awake later and later. I’m a mass of contradictions. Oh but also I have cinnamon raisin bagels and strawberry yogurt and cupcakes and blueberry bread and glaze doughnuts and so much deliciousness I don’t know what to do, my eating habits are going to go all to hell now. Which is really no big loss since they weren’t very good to begin with. Okay some quotes and then I’m done.

—

There is a beautiful moment in the Bible when the prophet Elijah feels God’s presence. The Scriptures say that a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart, but God was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but God was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. It was the whisper of God. Today we can hear the whisper where we least expect it: in a baby refugee and in a homeless rabbi, in crack addicts and displaced children, in a groaning creation. In the words that Indian activist and author Arundhati Roy proclaimed at the World Social Forum in Brazil, “Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.” The whisper cries out for God to save the church from us Christians and breathe new life into the aging Body.

*

There is a movement bubbling up that goes beyond cynicism and celebrates a new way of living, a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of. And this little revolution is irresistible. It is a contagious revolution that dances, laughs, and loves.

*

I remember hearing about an old comic strip back in the days of St. Ed’s. Two guys are talking to each other, and one of them says he has a question for God. He wants to ask why God allows all of this poverty and war and suffering to exist in the world. And his friend says, “Well, why don’t you ask?” The fellow shakes his head and says he is scared. When his friend asks why, he mutters, “I’m scared God will ask me the same question.” Over and over, when I ask God why all these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, “You tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet.”

–Shane Claiborne, “Irresistible Revolution”

Also I’ve been sick, finally went to the doctor on Monday and found out … pretty much nothing. Haha I am a medical marvel and the doctor asked lots of irrelevant questions, stumbled over her words and prescribed some medicine that doesn’t even seem to have anything to do with my symptoms. But I do feel better now, a little, except for this lingering exhaustion for no apparent reason. I’m not anemic like everyone thought so go figure, I don’t even know. I lie down to read and fall asleep, sit down to write and fall asleep, try to force myself to study and fall asleep. And I sleep at night, lots of sleep but never quite enough. I guess it’ll probably work itself out and I intend to use this weekend for books and relaxing and sleep.

I ordered three more books, must stop stop stop. I was feeling especially horrible and wanted to make myself feel better and guess what. It worked. I got The Rose and the Beast and Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block, and The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. Now I just have to get through scanning them. Yay I love books! I can drown in the words of Francesca Lia Block and enjoy lovely French kid lit and honestly, I can’t think of a better way to spend my weekend. Yes I am a nerd and a social recluse and I am very happy.

Anyway that’s all. Miranda and I are going to Parkview for a blood drive Tuesday and I need to make up for my BCM/gym withdrawal and I love Chelsea, she’s the cutest ever and texts me even though I hardly ever answer her and. Life is pretty okay, minor drama aside. Oh and, the Hannah Montana movie is driving me crazy and I don’t even think it’s out yet and That ’70’s Show is amazing. End.

—

http://seafoamwaltz.tumblr.com/post/87975558/say-yes-by-andrea-gibson
You should read that because it’s beautiful. Really really beautiful. That’s what poetry’s meant to be and I wish I had her words to carry around with me wherever I go. I kind of want to cry every time I read it.

—

Happy spring! The weather is still perfect except it’s overcast today and not as good hammock weather, but I’m not complaining. Looks like it’s going to stay this way at least for now, excitement excitement. I can finally wear skirts again and maybe hopefully rid myself of jeans for a while.

As mentioned above, I finally got to hear the newest Decemberists album yesterday, “The Hazards of Love”. It’s really really gorgeous and perfect and flows so well. I got lost in it. And I even like the girls, which is unusual because I generally can’t stand female singers but oh my goodness, just perfection. “The Wanting Comes in Waves / Repaid” is my particular favorite right now, mainly the female vocals and I also really like “Won’t Want for Love”, but I could really go on and on about every track and the beauty of the sound and the words and just everything. I was hesitant with it at first but it didn’t take long at all for it to grow on me. Anyway I’ll move on now.

Also as mentioned above my mom is taking me antique shopping tomorrow. I’ll try to take pictures of the things I buy, which should mean only a couple but will probably mean a whole post of them. I love antique shops and all the pretty pretty things that can be found in them, it’s the only shopping I really enjoy. Well, and book shopping which is why I don’t need to buy anything else, I spent more than enough money at Barnes and Noble. Money that should be going towards college expenses. Oh well.

—

Movies I really want to see:
Pan’s Labyrinth -
Amelie -
Interiors -
Juno (no, I really haven’t seen it yet) -
Into the Wild (the book was so fascinating to me) -
Valley of the Dolls -
Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

–

And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything.
~ William Shakespeare

—

Note: I have never uploaded pictures here before. I can’t see the pictures that I upload. If someone with working eyes could tell me if they need to be fixed/changed, I would love you past eternity. Really. That said …

This is what I did to my hair. I like it a lot, it’s just not quite the change I was expecting. But everyone says I should leave it this way and not cut anymore because of the crazy things my hair does and also I guess I just don’t have ‘the look’ for shorter hair, whatever that means. Anyway the point is, I can’t decide whether to leave it or cut it more and the point of posting the picture is, I never have before and I wanted to see how it would turn out. So end pointless paragraph.

I want a constelation globe. Seriously how awesome. And glowing stars like the ones on my ceiling at school (I didn’t put them there, it was a lovely surprise) and one of those stick-on moons, the kind you get for ten-year-olds. And they try to call me a grown-up. Found this picture at Pearls & Tea by the way.

–

I’ve decided to experiment with different types of poetry. Trying to rid myself of chronic writer’s block, especially in that area. Poetry will probably never make me the big bucks but it’s necessary for my soul. I miss the flow of words. I usually hate putting constraints on my poetry, saying it has to look like this and flow like this and rhyme like that but I think it might help, to have some sort of guideline and something specific to try and achieve. Just for a while. We’ll see.

Right now the day is calling me and I’m going outside. Sunburned and sleepy, I haven’t felt so happy in a very long time. I didn’t even know how much I missed the grass and the sun and the birdsong and wind through the trees until I was out in the middle of it, swinging in our old falling-down hammock with a book. The book was eventually discarded in favor of a nap, which is when the sunburn came along. I do envy Miranda and her country setting a little, there were so many cars and slamming doors and conversations in other yards I just wanted to yell at the world to stop and listen for a while. Aaaaanyway this is the end.

For my birthday:
moleskine (I am madly in love and I haven’t even used it yet) -
moccasins, soft brown ones -
a lovely glass bead necklace -
the bright flowered/paisley purse I wanted -
wonderful earrings and a birthday card that plays the Hamster Dance -
a huge furry golden dog named Boutililler (seriously don’t ask), also known as Androgenous Dogenous -
two new books because I really needed more -
money that I’ve already spent

—

I’m getting my hair cut even shorter. I’m thinking maybe chin-length, we’ll see. I don’t really have the right hair for anything too much shorter but I love the feel of such a drastic change, something that can’t be switched back if I decide I’m not comfortable. Also the weather is getting warmer and warmer, in the eighties by Tuesday and I could not be more excited. I need it like you can’t even imagine. Winter has kept me inside and in bed and I’m ready to go out again, grass and trees and air and birds, the world at my fingertips. I think I’ll spend my days outside and my nights with writing, I need a break from so many of the people in my life and the pain they bring.

This morning at church the sermon was over passages from both the books I’ve been reading, Luke and Isaiah. Weird. Also it focused mainly on the story of the tax collector and the Pharisee both praying, the Pharisee thankful for his own righteousness and the tax collector praying ‘God be merciful to me, a sinner’, which is a story that has been very prominent in discussions I’ve had lately. Weird again. Also the pastor felt led to preach about that today instead of what he’d previously intended, and they’re going back to what they’ve been going over next weekend, when I won’t be there. Weird times three. Aaaalso, at BCM we’ve been talking about things from Isaiah that have just … hit me really hard and haven’t left my mind since we discussed them. Okay God, I’m definitely listening. Listening and trying to obey. But as Sarah says sometimes it’s really really hard to see God in such negative and difficult situations and sometimes, even harder to see Him and acknowledge that it’s Him and that God does in fact control the bad as well as the good. So I stop trying and I forget and I think that’s when I end up where I am now, but His nudges are definitely getting through.

Anyway enough from me. I’m yawning until my eyes water so I think it’s Alex Delaware and very early bed soon. I want to be able to wake up early enough to enjoy the morning, let’s see if that happens. I haven’t been very well lately but I’m going to be better.

—

There begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism and a subtle despair—subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged. It takes the form of boredom, drudgery. We are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again.

We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is too demanding, that surrender to the Lord is beyond our reach. We start acting like everyone else. Life takes on a joyless, empty quality. We begin to resemble the leading character in Eugene O’Neill’s play The Great God Brown:

“Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?”

~ Brennan Manning, “The Ragamuffin Gospel”

—

So for a few days it was fun fun fun in the sun sun suuuuuun but now it’s cold, really really cold and I don’t like it! I wanted spring for my birthday but apparently God had other ideas and gave me a little throwback to winter instead. Thanks God. Currently it’s 39 degrees and overcast, fail.

Anyway thanks to all of you who made my birthday wonderful and for all the comments/mesages/texts. Michael RaeLynn Matt Rowdy my aunt Tara Sarah Alexxx Chris Lis Cody Kai Kevin Nemoy Cortney<3 Dan Tiffany Thi Chelseaaaa and of course Miranda. She got me “Surprised by Joy” and “Weight of Glory” by C.S. Lewis and really awesome earrings with birds and leaves and animal tracks and things, and a picture sort of thing with a cross that says ‘Life is fragile, handle with prayer’ to hang on my wall. And I also got the aforementioned pretty notebook (although I still want to buy myself a moleskine) and my parents took me to dinner. Deliciously amazing smoked chicken and fries and bread but then I got sick, not sure if it was the food but it was something ugh. We’re going to dinner again on Saturday with the rest of the family and Miranda, another cheeseburger burrito and sopapias and then hopefully shopping because Miranda and I both want moccasins and I want my moleskine. Church on Sunday, Miranda finally gets to meet my grandpa John who is seriously the greatest person ever and we’ll be on spring breeeeeak! An entire week of no homework and no classes and no interrupted nights of sleep and no walking long distances in freezing cold. And hopefully a little sun? Yeah God?

—

So I feel like I should say more but I don’t know, my mood is so easily affected by the weather lately and it’s cold and rainy again so I’m in a bit of a funk. Not unhappy by any means, just tired and lethargic and not really in the mood to do anything or go anywhere which sucks because it was my birthday yesterday, and I did nothing. Going home tomorrow, so I’m hoping to be in a better mood soon and I’ll post again when I am. Also hoping not to be sick anymore by tomorrow because I’ve skipped more than enough classes lately, really too many and I only have two so I shouldn’t skip them. We’ll see.

I am tired tired tired and life is still lovely lovely lovely. Haircut tomorrow, I am so ready. There is a cute quiet boy with a cute laugh who has helped me twice now but he seems ashamed of feelings, and I don’t like that. I shouldn’t judge people so quickly I know and I’m trying not to, but you know it’s hard when everyone puts on these faces that don’t belong to them, or at least don’t seem to fit them and they go around doing this and saying that and then suddenly they change. Drastic change and you’re thrown all off-balance and it would just be really nice to stand on solid ground again. Ha anyway what I meant to say was, I like his laugh and his voice is soothing. That’s all.

Also Ashton drove me back from psych today and came in to visit Miranda and she’s very cute. She’s terrified of me walking back to the dorm by myself because I might get lost or run over by a car or something, makes me laugh. And it’s been sunny sunny and gorgeous and I’ve been singing The Beatles and I wanted to go out and lie in the grass today, but Miranda had a migraine and I do nothing alone. But we did go barefoot exploring last night and were nearly attacked by a giant-sounding dog and found a mysterious place and nearly got run over by a car. Oh so fun. And my birthday is Wednesday and my present list ended up being rather long but really, all I want are moccasins and fairytales and Francesca Lia Block. And a moleskine notebook, but I think that will be my present to myself.

The rest is a cross-post from Xanga. I’m exhausted and ready to collapse into bed for a good twelve-hour sleep. Ha.

—

Today the best friend and I spent time dreaming about our future homes, the perfect ones we might never have but will always want. Hers is a cabin, just a simple cabin with not even a bed. She wants only a sleeping bag, and a very big bathtub and a very big yard. Trees and a flat roof for sleeping on warm nights and a trampoline. And a loft and a desk for writing.

I’m going to live in a cottage, no longer do I want my three-story masterpiece. Just a cottage, with a porch and a porch swing, windchimes and a door-knocker (or maybe just a doorbell that chimes instead of dings). I want a flower garden and a birdbath and a birdfeeder, good strong climbing trees and a gate with honeysuckle. Inside there will be soft greens and yellows, a piano and a big chiming clock. I want lots of windows, big windows to let in plenty of sun and a window seat for daydreaming and reading, a couch and a soft little kitten to curl up on it. I want a four-poster bed in the bedroom and art on the walls, plants everywhere and a little kitchen with a coffee-maker so I can make my own instead of always drinking instant. I will have a big old-fashioned desk with the elaborate drawer-handles and a typewriter, little shag rugs everywhere and seashells in the bathroom. There will be Alice in Wonderland-style tea-parties in the garden and I will have bookshelves, bookshelves everywhere and an entire library of books all around me.

And maybe, someday, I will have a boy who will wake up with me in the mornings, stretch sleepy-eyed and be just as excited to greet the day as I am. A boy who likes to bask in the sunshine and drink coffee with The Shins, who will spend hours reading aloud from the oldest and heaviest books. A boy who loves poetry and finds it in the simple movement of a hand, the simple sound of an in-drawn breath. Someone who doesn’t care if we have a television and who doesn’t mind that our home will never be filled with the patter of little feet or the sound of childish laughter.

This is my paradise, what’s yours? What’s your dream home like? Who do you want to share it?

—

I now have a hair appointment for Tuesday and I think I’m going to get it cut. Cut cut, short enough to notice. I haven’t had short hair in so long I can’t even remember and I’m almost nervous about cutting it, how ridiculous is that? To become so attached to my hair that it makes me feel sad to think of not having so much of it anymore, honestly. Haha but I’m excited to have something new and different, and also to maybe not have to spend so much time fixing it in the mornings because it really does eat up a big chunk of my time and that is also quite ridiculous. Anyway enough about my hair.

I don’t really feel like saying anything else right now because I’m tired and frustrated and a little bothered, but I wanted to post something from my newest book. It’s the Ann Spangler one, 52 Women of the Bible and I think I’m going to love it. A lot. It’s weird and very pretty, like this.

—

The woman stirred and stretched, her skin soft and supple as a newborn’s. One finger, then another moved in gentle exploration of the ground that cradled her. She could feel a warmth filling her, tickling her throat as it tried to escape, spilling out in the glad noise of laughter. She felt herself surrounded by a thousand joys at once. And then a touch calmed her without diminishing her joy.

Her eyes opened to a Brightness, her ears to a Voice. And then a smaller voice, echoing an elated response: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” Adam took hold of her, and their laughter met like streams converging.

The man and the woman walked together naked and unashamed in Paradise, at ease with themselves and God. No shadows filled Eden, no disorder, discord, or fear.

Pray for my cousin please, he’s in the ER right now with ‘possible head injury and broken ribs’ according to my aunt’s Facebook status, from a baseball game of all things. Crazy kids. But seriously prayers are appreciated.

So my OCD really is getting out of control, haha like really. Because I was feeling all blah and lethargic and letting things pile up and drown me, stupid little things I could do in five or ten minutes if I wanted to so I made myself a schedule. A detailed schedule with plenty of time for everything (including sleep, I hear it’s important) and immediatley I felt so much better. I had my day all planned out and all the things I need to get done on a daily basis in their neat little spaces and I just … breathed this huge sigh of relief and all was well in the world. It doesn’t even matter if I follow it, just the fact that I have it is enough to make me feel better. Ridiculous.

And I don’t know what else to say right now. Life is really just amazing and lovely and I’m having so much fun just being here, getting to know the new people and trying to hold onto some of the old and getting to know God again and doing a little life cleanup. Coming to terms with a lot of the things that were just driving me crazy and making me so unhappy, thanks to all you wonderful people for your prayers and things and just realizing that I have to do what I have to do to be happy and it can’t always be about making sure ‘the other person’ is okay with it. Now if I just had spring and the ability to write in regular sentences life would be complete. Haha just kidding … about the sentences. I really do need spring and for this horrible horrible cold to let go of me and the world and everything. Ugh. But on the bright side it does give us an excuse to randomly invade the gym and display our spasticness right outside Matt’s office. Which I’m sure he just loves. Yeah.

And finally I just found out that there are several people reading this who I didn’t even know knew about it (oh what an awful messed-up sentence), so hi people! *wave* You should say something sometime you know, in case I accidentally talk about you and don’t know you’re reading. Which I would definitely do. And now I think some Dead Poets Society is in order so bye!

—

…has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of- something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap clap of water against the boat’s side?

Are not all lifelong friendships born at that moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences in between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for?

You have never had it.

All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they reached your ear. But if it should really become manifest- if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself- you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say,

“Here at last is the thing I was made for.”

We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our partners or made our friends or chose our work; and which we will still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows partner or friend or work.

While we are, this is.

If we lose this, we lose all.

-C. S. Lewis