Sunlight in her hair

Today I am thankful for:
at last the beginning of spring -
the wonderful eargasm that is the new Decemberists album -
Ryan Adams (I finally heard more than “When the Stars Go Blue” and he’s lovely -
the promise of going to antique shops and finding pretty things -
the Ivy Cottage books, “The Golden Book of Fairy Tales”, and Hans Christian Andersen

—

http://seafoamwaltz.tumblr.com/post/87975558/say-yes-by-andrea-gibson
You should read that because it’s beautiful. Really really beautiful. That’s what poetry’s meant to be and I wish I had her words to carry around with me wherever I go. I kind of want to cry every time I read it.

—

Happy spring! The weather is still perfect except it’s overcast today and not as good hammock weather, but I’m not complaining. Looks like it’s going to stay this way at least for now, excitement excitement. I can finally wear skirts again and maybe hopefully rid myself of jeans for a while.

As mentioned above, I finally got to hear the newest Decemberists album yesterday, “The Hazards of Love”. It’s really really gorgeous and perfect and flows so well. I got lost in it. And I even like the girls, which is unusual because I generally can’t stand female singers but oh my goodness, just perfection. “The Wanting Comes in Waves / Repaid” is my particular favorite right now, mainly the female vocals and I also really like “Won’t Want for Love”, but I could really go on and on about every track and the beauty of the sound and the words and just everything. I was hesitant with it at first but it didn’t take long at all for it to grow on me. Anyway I’ll move on now.

Also as mentioned above my mom is taking me antique shopping tomorrow. I’ll try to take pictures of the things I buy, which should mean only a couple but will probably mean a whole post of them. I love antique shops and all the pretty pretty things that can be found in them, it’s the only shopping I really enjoy. Well, and book shopping which is why I don’t need to buy anything else, I spent more than enough money at Barnes and Noble. Money that should be going towards college expenses. Oh well.

—

Movies I really want to see:
Pan’s Labyrinth -
Amelie -
Interiors -
Juno (no, I really haven’t seen it yet) -
Into the Wild (the book was so fascinating to me) -
Valley of the Dolls -
Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

–

And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything.
~ William Shakespeare

Today I am thankful for:
strawberry toaster strudels -
my very fat chihuahua -
sunshine, lots of sunshine -
Anne of Green Gables

—

Note: I have never uploaded pictures here before. I can’t see the pictures that I upload. If someone with working eyes could tell me if they need to be fixed/changed, I would love you past eternity. Really. That said …

This is what I did to my hair. I like it a lot, it’s just not quite the change I was expecting. But everyone says I should leave it this way and not cut anymore because of the crazy things my hair does and also I guess I just don’t have ‘the look’ for shorter hair, whatever that means. Anyway the point is, I can’t decide whether to leave it or cut it more and the point of posting the picture is, I never have before and I wanted to see how it would turn out. So end pointless paragraph.

I want a constelation globe. Seriously how awesome. And glowing stars like the ones on my ceiling at school (I didn’t put them there, it was a lovely surprise) and one of those stick-on moons, the kind you get for ten-year-olds. And they try to call me a grown-up. Found this picture at Pearls & Tea by the way.

–

I’ve decided to experiment with different types of poetry. Trying to rid myself of chronic writer’s block, especially in that area. Poetry will probably never make me the big bucks but it’s necessary for my soul. I miss the flow of words. I usually hate putting constraints on my poetry, saying it has to look like this and flow like this and rhyme like that but I think it might help, to have some sort of guideline and something specific to try and achieve. Just for a while. We’ll see.

Right now the day is calling me and I’m going outside. Sunburned and sleepy, I haven’t felt so happy in a very long time. I didn’t even know how much I missed the grass and the sun and the birdsong and wind through the trees until I was out in the middle of it, swinging in our old falling-down hammock with a book. The book was eventually discarded in favor of a nap, which is when the sunburn came along. I do envy Miranda and her country setting a little, there were so many cars and slamming doors and conversations in other yards I just wanted to yell at the world to stop and listen for a while. Aaaaanyway this is the end.

Today I am thankful for:
my grandpa John -
delicious pizza -
spring break with plenty of time to sleep -
warm weather (!!!!) -
actually being excited over birthday presents (even if I did buy most of them myself) -
The Beverly Hillbillies

For my birthday:
moleskine (I am madly in love and I haven’t even used it yet) -
moccasins, soft brown ones -
a lovely glass bead necklace -
the bright flowered/paisley purse I wanted -
wonderful earrings and a birthday card that plays the Hamster Dance -
a huge furry golden dog named Boutililler (seriously don’t ask), also known as Androgenous Dogenous -
two new books because I really needed more -
money that I’ve already spent

—

I’m getting my hair cut even shorter. I’m thinking maybe chin-length, we’ll see. I don’t really have the right hair for anything too much shorter but I love the feel of such a drastic change, something that can’t be switched back if I decide I’m not comfortable. Also the weather is getting warmer and warmer, in the eighties by Tuesday and I could not be more excited. I need it like you can’t even imagine. Winter has kept me inside and in bed and I’m ready to go out again, grass and trees and air and birds, the world at my fingertips. I think I’ll spend my days outside and my nights with writing, I need a break from so many of the people in my life and the pain they bring.

This morning at church the sermon was over passages from both the books I’ve been reading, Luke and Isaiah. Weird. Also it focused mainly on the story of the tax collector and the Pharisee both praying, the Pharisee thankful for his own righteousness and the tax collector praying ‘God be merciful to me, a sinner’, which is a story that has been very prominent in discussions I’ve had lately. Weird again. Also the pastor felt led to preach about that today instead of what he’d previously intended, and they’re going back to what they’ve been going over next weekend, when I won’t be there. Weird times three. Aaaalso, at BCM we’ve been talking about things from Isaiah that have just … hit me really hard and haven’t left my mind since we discussed them. Okay God, I’m definitely listening. Listening and trying to obey. But as Sarah says sometimes it’s really really hard to see God in such negative and difficult situations and sometimes, even harder to see Him and acknowledge that it’s Him and that God does in fact control the bad as well as the good. So I stop trying and I forget and I think that’s when I end up where I am now, but His nudges are definitely getting through.

Anyway enough from me. I’m yawning until my eyes water so I think it’s Alex Delaware and very early bed soon. I want to be able to wake up early enough to enjoy the morning, let’s see if that happens. I haven’t been very well lately but I’m going to be better.

—

There begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism and a subtle despair—subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged. It takes the form of boredom, drudgery. We are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again.

We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is too demanding, that surrender to the Lord is beyond our reach. We start acting like everyone else. Life takes on a joyless, empty quality. We begin to resemble the leading character in Eugene O’Neill’s play The Great God Brown:

“Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?”

~ Brennan Manning, “The Ragamuffin Gospel”

Today I am thankful for:
Iron & Wine -
Stephen King -
pretty notebooks even if they are too small for me to write in -
cute friends -
Alieve (haha I haven’t been so well the past couple days)

—

So for a few days it was fun fun fun in the sun sun suuuuuun but now it’s cold, really really cold and I don’t like it! I wanted spring for my birthday but apparently God had other ideas and gave me a little throwback to winter instead. Thanks God. Currently it’s 39 degrees and overcast, fail.

Anyway thanks to all of you who made my birthday wonderful and for all the comments/mesages/texts. Michael RaeLynn Matt Rowdy my aunt Tara Sarah Alexxx Chris Lis Cody Kai Kevin Nemoy Cortney<3 Dan Tiffany Thi Chelseaaaa and of course Miranda. She got me “Surprised by Joy” and “Weight of Glory” by C.S. Lewis and really awesome earrings with birds and leaves and animal tracks and things, and a picture sort of thing with a cross that says ‘Life is fragile, handle with prayer’ to hang on my wall. And I also got the aforementioned pretty notebook (although I still want to buy myself a moleskine) and my parents took me to dinner. Deliciously amazing smoked chicken and fries and bread but then I got sick, not sure if it was the food but it was something ugh. We’re going to dinner again on Saturday with the rest of the family and Miranda, another cheeseburger burrito and sopapias and then hopefully shopping because Miranda and I both want moccasins and I want my moleskine. Church on Sunday, Miranda finally gets to meet my grandpa John who is seriously the greatest person ever and we’ll be on spring breeeeeak! An entire week of no homework and no classes and no interrupted nights of sleep and no walking long distances in freezing cold. And hopefully a little sun? Yeah God?

—

So I feel like I should say more but I don’t know, my mood is so easily affected by the weather lately and it’s cold and rainy again so I’m in a bit of a funk. Not unhappy by any means, just tired and lethargic and not really in the mood to do anything or go anywhere which sucks because it was my birthday yesterday, and I did nothing. Going home tomorrow, so I’m hoping to be in a better mood soon and I’ll post again when I am. Also hoping not to be sick anymore by tomorrow because I’ve skipped more than enough classes lately, really too many and I only have two so I shouldn’t skip them. We’ll see.

Today I am thankful for:
’sun sun sun, here it comes’ -
hot chocolate and future house dreaming -
bare feet in grass -
soft little purring kitten curled up in sunshine -
the smell of fresh-cut grass -
random spontaneous Biblical discussions and learning things I didn’t know before -
early dismissal

I am tired tired tired and life is still lovely lovely lovely. Haircut tomorrow, I am so ready. There is a cute quiet boy with a cute laugh who has helped me twice now but he seems ashamed of feelings, and I don’t like that. I shouldn’t judge people so quickly I know and I’m trying not to, but you know it’s hard when everyone puts on these faces that don’t belong to them, or at least don’t seem to fit them and they go around doing this and saying that and then suddenly they change. Drastic change and you’re thrown all off-balance and it would just be really nice to stand on solid ground again. Ha anyway what I meant to say was, I like his laugh and his voice is soothing. That’s all.

Also Ashton drove me back from psych today and came in to visit Miranda and she’s very cute. She’s terrified of me walking back to the dorm by myself because I might get lost or run over by a car or something, makes me laugh. And it’s been sunny sunny and gorgeous and I’ve been singing The Beatles and I wanted to go out and lie in the grass today, but Miranda had a migraine and I do nothing alone. But we did go barefoot exploring last night and were nearly attacked by a giant-sounding dog and found a mysterious place and nearly got run over by a car. Oh so fun. And my birthday is Wednesday and my present list ended up being rather long but really, all I want are moccasins and fairytales and Francesca Lia Block. And a moleskine notebook, but I think that will be my present to myself.

The rest is a cross-post from Xanga. I’m exhausted and ready to collapse into bed for a good twelve-hour sleep. Ha.

—

Today the best friend and I spent time dreaming about our future homes, the perfect ones we might never have but will always want. Hers is a cabin, just a simple cabin with not even a bed. She wants only a sleeping bag, and a very big bathtub and a very big yard. Trees and a flat roof for sleeping on warm nights and a trampoline. And a loft and a desk for writing.

I’m going to live in a cottage, no longer do I want my three-story masterpiece. Just a cottage, with a porch and a porch swing, windchimes and a door-knocker (or maybe just a doorbell that chimes instead of dings). I want a flower garden and a birdbath and a birdfeeder, good strong climbing trees and a gate with honeysuckle. Inside there will be soft greens and yellows, a piano and a big chiming clock. I want lots of windows, big windows to let in plenty of sun and a window seat for daydreaming and reading, a couch and a soft little kitten to curl up on it. I want a four-poster bed in the bedroom and art on the walls, plants everywhere and a little kitchen with a coffee-maker so I can make my own instead of always drinking instant. I will have a big old-fashioned desk with the elaborate drawer-handles and a typewriter, little shag rugs everywhere and seashells in the bathroom. There will be Alice in Wonderland-style tea-parties in the garden and I will have bookshelves, bookshelves everywhere and an entire library of books all around me.

And maybe, someday, I will have a boy who will wake up with me in the mornings, stretch sleepy-eyed and be just as excited to greet the day as I am. A boy who likes to bask in the sunshine and drink coffee with The Shins, who will spend hours reading aloud from the oldest and heaviest books. A boy who loves poetry and finds it in the simple movement of a hand, the simple sound of an in-drawn breath. Someone who doesn’t care if we have a television and who doesn’t mind that our home will never be filled with the patter of little feet or the sound of childish laughter.

This is my paradise, what’s yours? What’s your dream home like? Who do you want to share it?

Today I am thankful for:
cool breezes [as opposed to cold wind] -
red nail polish -
beautiful literature -
finding lovely new favorite songs from TV commercial clips -
the simple kind of love that makes you happy just to be here, there, wherever you are -
Facebook (yes, I said it) -
the moments when God feels near enough to touch -
crazy professor reading my essay answer aloud to the class even though it was nothing special at all and just what he already told us

—

I now have a hair appointment for Tuesday and I think I’m going to get it cut. Cut cut, short enough to notice. I haven’t had short hair in so long I can’t even remember and I’m almost nervous about cutting it, how ridiculous is that? To become so attached to my hair that it makes me feel sad to think of not having so much of it anymore, honestly. Haha but I’m excited to have something new and different, and also to maybe not have to spend so much time fixing it in the mornings because it really does eat up a big chunk of my time and that is also quite ridiculous. Anyway enough about my hair.

I don’t really feel like saying anything else right now because I’m tired and frustrated and a little bothered, but I wanted to post something from my newest book. It’s the Ann Spangler one, 52 Women of the Bible and I think I’m going to love it. A lot. It’s weird and very pretty, like this.

—

The woman stirred and stretched, her skin soft and supple as a newborn’s. One finger, then another moved in gentle exploration of the ground that cradled her. She could feel a warmth filling her, tickling her throat as it tried to escape, spilling out in the glad noise of laughter. She felt herself surrounded by a thousand joys at once. And then a touch calmed her without diminishing her joy.

Her eyes opened to a Brightness, her ears to a Voice. And then a smaller voice, echoing an elated response: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” Adam took hold of her, and their laughter met like streams converging.

The man and the woman walked together naked and unashamed in Paradise, at ease with themselves and God. No shadows filled Eden, no disorder, discord, or fear.

Oh I like a T.I. and Justin Timberlake song, this really cannot happen. I mean T.I., okay whatever he’s just a rapper like all the billions of others out there, but Justin Timberlake? No no no. No. Oh well, I love it. Ha.

Pray for my cousin please, he’s in the ER right now with ‘possible head injury and broken ribs’ according to my aunt’s Facebook status, from a baseball game of all things. Crazy kids. But seriously prayers are appreciated.

So my OCD really is getting out of control, haha like really. Because I was feeling all blah and lethargic and letting things pile up and drown me, stupid little things I could do in five or ten minutes if I wanted to so I made myself a schedule. A detailed schedule with plenty of time for everything (including sleep, I hear it’s important) and immediatley I felt so much better. I had my day all planned out and all the things I need to get done on a daily basis in their neat little spaces and I just … breathed this huge sigh of relief and all was well in the world. It doesn’t even matter if I follow it, just the fact that I have it is enough to make me feel better. Ridiculous.

And I don’t know what else to say right now. Life is really just amazing and lovely and I’m having so much fun just being here, getting to know the new people and trying to hold onto some of the old and getting to know God again and doing a little life cleanup. Coming to terms with a lot of the things that were just driving me crazy and making me so unhappy, thanks to all you wonderful people for your prayers and things and just realizing that I have to do what I have to do to be happy and it can’t always be about making sure ‘the other person’ is okay with it. Now if I just had spring and the ability to write in regular sentences life would be complete. Haha just kidding … about the sentences. I really do need spring and for this horrible horrible cold to let go of me and the world and everything. Ugh. But on the bright side it does give us an excuse to randomly invade the gym and display our spasticness right outside Matt’s office. Which I’m sure he just loves. Yeah.

And finally I just found out that there are several people reading this who I didn’t even know knew about it (oh what an awful messed-up sentence), so hi people! *wave* You should say something sometime you know, in case I accidentally talk about you and don’t know you’re reading. Which I would definitely do. And now I think some Dead Poets Society is in order so bye!

—

…has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of- something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap clap of water against the boat’s side?

Are not all lifelong friendships born at that moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences in between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for?

You have never had it.

All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they reached your ear. But if it should really become manifest- if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself- you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say,

“Here at last is the thing I was made for.”

We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our partners or made our friends or chose our work; and which we will still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows partner or friend or work.

While we are, this is.

If we lose this, we lose all.

-C. S. Lewis